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Saturday, June 16

Ayah

"Ni kali terakhir ye ely jumpa ayah sebelum ayah gi sana? Ayah risau ni terakhir ely jumpa ayah. Kalau ayah tak balik dah, ely jaga lah adik ely ye. Siapa tau ayah ada rezeki ikut jejak arwah abah ayah meninggal kat sana."

Tangan yang masih mengurut bahu kiri ayah rasa menggeletar. Napas jadi semakin cepat namun ditahan perlahan. Tanpa mau, air mata menitis jua. Semoga aja ayah tidak mendengar. Kebiasaan tidak suka orang tau saat menangis.

Semoga selamat perjalanan pergi dan balik ayah. Semoga diberi kesihatan yang baik sepanjang ada di sana. Semoga mendapat haji yang mabrur. Amin insyaallah.

Ely sayang ayah. 
# Minyak cap kapak dan bahu keras 

Friday, May 18

Facing it

To go home again
To see the room
To hold the clothes
To smell the scent
To enter the kitchen and all spaces
Filled with memories of her
Time to face it
Am not strong
But will be strong
💪

Sunday, April 22

Miss

I'm not yet fully accepting the truth that she's gone.

I'm just running away from it.

Saturday, March 10

..

Two saddest days that i wanna forget..
Let time heals the wound.
Let time swipes all the bad memories.
Let it be.

Dear self,
Dont get too attached.
Dont be too clingy.
No people is yours, you yourself is not yours. 
Dont let your happiness depends on other.
Be happy on your own.
Do things you love.
Dont overthink.
Dont replay the bad memories.
Dont feel anymore, just go with the flow, doing your best, hoping for the best.

Insyaallah. Fighting Laili 💪

10 march 2018 18.00 katil usang bercadar biru,  kosan Ibu Ida.

Wednesday, February 28

Ma

21 Feb 2018, 20.00, surau depan rumah, ba'da solat magrib. Ely tengok sebelah kanan, bukan mama. Toleh ke kiri, bukan mama jugak. Orang lain, bukan mama. Its not you. Selalu mama sebelah ely, tp sekarang mama dah takde nak solat sebelah ely setiap kali kita solat kat surau ni. Ely teringat-ingat elusan tangan mama kat jari-jari tangan ely time berzikir lepas solat. Mama suka picit antara ibu jari dengan jari telunjuk ely kuat-kuat bagi tak ngantuk, ely usaha nak lepas sebab sakit, tangan mama memang paling kuat. Lepas doa ma saje suka cium pipi kuat-kuat masa salam-salam. Tapi haritu, suasana surau rasa sangat asing dan hening, diiringi bacaan tahlil untuk mama...

*******

I miss you ma,  i really do. I only met you once this year, and twice last year. Ive lot of stories that i kept to myself so i can tell you later when we meet for a longer time, not by phone call. I would love to hear your response to every of my stories cause youre my best world listener. If the word "if only" is proper to be used by a muslim, if only i can, i wish to spend more time with, hug and kiss you even longer, chat with you in every time we got, go back home to meet you in every time i could, buy you more presents tudung cloth and all the things you liked, go to many places with you, hear all your stories and advices, cook more dishes with you and chat and laugh in the kitchen like we always did, and how i wish i had a little more time to tell you that, i love you. So much.

It has been 8 days since you left us ma. I got bad fever and flu and cough and dyspepsia and all. I threw up every food that i ate. I barely eat nothing, i lost almost 3kg. That was the time i felt your loss the most. You would have call and text me everyday and every time, reminding me to ate medicine, to eat this and that, asking whos currently in malaysia, and months later i got bottles of vitamin you would have send to me. If youre with me you would massage my head with your strong fingers until i fall asleep near you. I miss you. I cried a lot when im alone these past 3 days. I dreamt of you everyday when i was sick, i met you in my dream, we hugged for a long time, we chatted,  we laughed, it felt so real but later i suddenly woke up in the midnight, realising that that i met you just now was only a dream, my tears wont stop faling. I cried alone in my room in the midnight missing you so much but i could do nothing to reach you instead of praying. I really miss you. Its hurt to miss someone whos already not there for me to call, to text, to meet. Its hurt to realize the absence of someone whos once there. Its hurt to loss a mom who you knew would always mention your name in her duas. You know you have miss one of the biggest barakah in this dunya.

Still, life goes on. im blessed too to have kind people around me, esp my groupmate who gave kind words and support, and also covered my on-all shift and not asking for replacement, also to my doctor :'( whos extremely kind not to mention in words, thank you so much doc. I really wanna be stronger. I wanna go back on track. I wanna stay focus in everything i do. I wanna better, Above all, I wanna make you proud ma. 
Insyaallah.

Semoga tenang disana ma. Allah loves you more than we did. Rehat puas-puas ma, ely doakan selalu semoga mama dapat masuk ke dalam Syurga. Moga nanti ely dapat jumpa mama lagi kat sana. Allah dah pinjamkan ely seorang sosok ibu yang terbaik kat dunia ni, i never wish for a mother better than you, alhamdulillah. Terima kasih banyak mama for everything. Ely sayang mama dunia dan akhirat.

*****

Ya Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang, ampunilah dosa-dosa arwah Salmah Md Isa, kasihanilah ia, lindungilah ia dan maafkanlah ia, muliakanlah tempat kembalinya, lapangkanlah kuburnya, bersihkanlah ia dari segala kesalahan, seperti Engkau membersihkan pakaian putih dari kotoran, dan gantikanlah rumahnya di dunia dengan rumah yang lebih baik di akhirat. Kumpulkan rohnya bersama roh roh orang yang beriman, masukkanlah ia kedalam SurgaMu dan lindungilah ia dari siksa kubur dan siksa api neraka. Amin ya rabbal alamin..

# 22 Julai 1963 - 20 Feb 2018
# Semoga tiada lagi perpisahan di akhirat nanti